Improving Your Life Archives

The Power and Wonder of Living a Linear Life

October 14, 2024October 15, 2024Kristin Zhivago

We have become addicted to our screens at the expense of us doing what we were put on earth to do. And yes, of course, you can fulfill your purpose on a screen as well, but if you pay attention to how much time you spend on a screen not fulfilling your life’s purpose, you might be a little discouraged. It’s just so easy to be distracted and find yourself going down rabbit holes.

I’m always looking for a different way of looking at a problem because perspective is the main tool we have to solve problems.

It always works best to replace a negative with a positive because, as Simon Sinek has pointed out, the mind doesn’t really understand negatives. Focusing on what you “don’t” want to do will fill your brain with what you don’t want to do. Instead of helping you achieve your goals, focusing on the negative is very discouraging; it is the opposite of what you want to accomplish. Read more →

Don’t Let Your Past Derail Your Future Endeavors

September 18, 2024Kristin Zhivago

Life is a series of tests. If we pass them, we don’t have to take them again; if we don’t, we keep getting the same test repeated until we get it right. Then we can finally move on to the next test.

But there is a little-discussed problem that inhibits our success.

When it’s time for us to tackle a new challenge, or set off in a new direction that excites and inspires us, some part of our brain is saying, “Well, this isn’t going to work because of how you always are.”

We have been “with ourselves” all of our lives, and we know how we used to behave. And we are still thinking of ourselves as the person before the test was passed.

This introduces hesitation and fear into the new adventure, and slows us down. Read more →

How to Avoid Making Mistakes: Watch Yourself

August 13, 2024August 13, 2024Kristin Zhivago

I’ve become a careful person. I make fewer mistakes than I used to.

I didn’t use to be so careful; in my youth, I enjoyed stepping out into the unknown and winging it. But, I learned as an ocean sailor that the old adage “the sea is very unforgiving of small mistakes,” is true and consequential.

My husband set a very good example in this regard. I think he was somewhat naturally careful, but he was also an adventurer, and learned how to be careful as a sailor, rock climber, and “ex” Marine.

But in the heat of a busy day, as we push through our tasks, it’s easy to slip up. And, just like “the sea,” digital and other electric “small” mistakes can be rather catastrophic.

It could be as simple as leaving a burner turned on while going outside to check on something, without realizing that you left the burner on. One could lose an entire house over that “small” mistake.

It could be sending a confidential email to the wrong person or the person’s former business email address (with the help of autofill), with career-breaking consequences.

Ditto for a text sent to the wrong person. The really wrong person.

It could even be that there are times you’ve left the house and wondered if you left something on or left something unlocked.

These mistakes (and concerns about mistakes) all have something in common: we made them while letting our attention lapse for just a moment or even a second. Read more →

How to deal with the people who shatter your self-confidence and make you feel worse about yourself

July 16, 2024July 16, 2024Kristin Zhivago

There are really two types of people in the world: those who strive to help you feel better about yourself, and those who build you up and then tear you down. If you spend too much time with the latter type, your self-confidence will be a roller-coaster that makes it more difficult to get back “up” again each time you are pushed down.

The narcissists who manipulate you in this manner are only out for themselves. They literally have no conscience.

Sad story

I knew of one such person when I was in college; he made me feel fantastic for the first few dates, and then it all went downhill from there. He ultimately left me without saying goodbye, started dating someone else, and came in to work every day (we both worked for his father) asking for advice about his relationship with her. I finally moved away, started a new life, met the man who was to be my husband and didn’t look back.

Insecurity is not your friend.

June 13, 2024June 13, 2024Kristin Zhivago

We own our diseases. “I have a cold.” “I am diabetic.” “I am insecure.”

Embracing these concepts doesn’t help us get past them. On the contrary, they become part of who we are, and we use them as excuses.

Yes, of course, if you have a cold and feel miserable and don’t want to pass it on to others, you behave accordingly. You stay at home. You stay in bed and rest.

But when things such as “stress,” “insecurity,” “lack of confidence,” or “triggers” infiltrate our sense of self, we become chained to them, limited by them, and weighed down by them.

Unfortunately, our psychology-driven culture wants us to wallow. “Tell me how that made you feel,” is the phrase that every psychologist uses to get you to talk about your stress, insecurity, lack of confidence, and triggers.

The longer you talk, the more psychologists prosper. It is in their best interest that you wallow in your suffering.

But this is not the road to a happy life. You will never reach your full potential this way. Your past suffering will keep you from shaking off the crutches and striding confidently into the future. Read more →

How to escape the procrastination and rationalization rut

March 13, 2024Kristin Zhivago

We only have so much time in this life. That’s a fact.

Most of us also have some life-long goals, things we want to accomplish before we aren’t here anymore.

The obvious challenge is to meet those goals sooner rather than later because none of us know when our lives will end. That’s the big picture.

The day-to-day picture is that there are obstacles to be overcome before we can meet our goals.

The most difficult obstacles are those we create ourselves. Every day contains several tests that we have to pass, and if we don’t pass them, we will be tested again and again.

Procrastination and rationalization are at the top of the “toughest obstacles” list.

Let’s look at the cause of each and then the cure. Read more →

Dreams, Distractions, and Your Destiny

February 6, 2024February 7, 2024Kristin Zhivago

Dreaming about your destiny is a lot easier than fulfilling your destiny. It’s like preparing for a trip; you can imagine everything you have to do, making a mental list. But getting up from bed or that chair and actually getting it all done is something else entirely.

Dreaming and distractions

For starters, you need to be motivated enough that you don’t get distracted. While you’re packing your suitcase, for example, you can decide that you need a new pair of shoes for your trip, and you can spend the next hour and a half searching online for the perfect pair. In fact, buying new shoes for a trip isn’t necessarily a good idea; what if you realized, on your trip, only a short way into a walking activity, that those new shoes are digging into the back of your heels, making your walking activity an agonizing effort? Read more →

3 Ways to Make Sure You Live in the Present

January 9, 2024January 9, 2024Kristin Zhivago

I have a very dear friend who is intelligent, has a great sense of humor, and is one of the most balanced and wise humans I know. But even she has trouble living in the present, which means that she is often stressed about the past, and, even more often, the future.

Now, in her case, her father, whom she was very close to, died when she was a young child. This was blindsiding, with a capital B. This led her to be independent and proficient, which also meant that her happiest place was one where she felt in control.

I can relate; my parents divorced when I was a month old, and I took the same path in order to make sure that I could depend on at least one person in my life (me).

The problem is that we are not in control of everything in our lives. The future holds many surprises for us. And the past cannot be changed. (You can apologize if you have blown it—always a good idea, when you know you should. The sooner the better.) Read more →

Motherhood, Oh Motherhood, Wherefore Art Thou, Motherhood?

October 20, 2023Kristin Zhivago

The first time I became acquainted with the feelings and responsibility of motherhood was when my autistic brother Michael was born. I was eight (pic below). My mother had two more boys after that, whom I also took care of for my busy mother and stepfather, and became very close to.

Another stage of grief: Letting go of guilt

September 11, 2023Kristin Zhivago

The two-year anniversary of my husband’s suicide came and went this month. As I may have mentioned, he was never depressed in the 45 years we were together, but after several battles with “fatal” cancer, his lungs were so damaged that even if we did finally manage to remove the cancer from his body, he’d never be able to breathe normally again—or do any of the things that he loved to do. So he decided to end it all, and the day I heard the single shot and a thump as he hit the floor in his carpeted office was the day that changed my life forever.

As I raced down the hall and saw my beloved husband, the man I was still completely in love with, lying in the entrance to his office, the emotions exploded and raced through me, from the astonishment at how careful he was to make sure he landed face down, so I wouldn’t have to see that face I loved mutilated by the bullet, to the tears and exclamations (“Oh God, oh God, oh God . . . ”), to the realization that there were two suicide notes carefully laid out on his office workspace, each inserted into a clear plastic holder. One for me, which I have since framed and memorized, ending with “I will love you forever,” and one for “the authorities” which explained why he did what he did and to “Please treat my wife kindly. She does not know this is coming, and will probably be in shock.” Read more →