There are really two types of people in the world: those who strive to help you feel better about yourself, and those who build you up and then tear you down. If you spend too much time with the latter type, your self-confidence will be a roller-coaster that makes it more difficult to get back “up” again each time you are pushed down.
The narcissists who manipulate you in this manner are only out for themselves. They literally have no conscience.
Sad story
I knew of one such person when I was in college; he made me feel fantastic for the first few dates, and then it all went downhill from there. He ultimately left me without saying goodbye, started dating someone else, and came in to work every day (we both worked for his father) asking for advice about his relationship with her. I finally moved away, started a new life, met the man who was to be my husband and didn’t look back.
But then, one day, my mother sent me a clipping. “Body found in road,” was the headline. Turns out, he had killed his beautiful wife (the one he left me for—one of the most innocent and kind people you could imagine—obviously they did get married).
After a segment appeared on America’s Most Wanted, he was found, arrested, and ultimately convicted for her murder. He is serving a life sentence with no possibility of parole.
I’m glad I got away, but so sorry it ended that way for his lovely wife.
What if you can’t get away?
It’s one thing to recognize that the person you’re dating is dangerous to your health, to the point where you manage to get away.
It’s another thing when the person is someone in your family, someone that you want to love because they are your son or daughter or mother or father or brother or sister . . . someone who you encounter at family gatherings, someone you wish you were closer to, but someone who makes you feel terrible about yourself.
I wish I could tell you that there is an easy solution. There isn’t. But the situation isn’t hopeless, either.
Tools you can use
There are some actions you can take when your mind is filled with the dread of seeing them, the stress of spending time with them, and the negative thoughts you have after you have seen them.
- Don’t make them the center of your universe. This is what they want; they want you to feel dominated by them and powerless because of them. Your life is basically good, and you are basically good. Hold on to that. Center yourself with it. See yourself for who you really are and who you try your best to be.
- Be thankful. One of the most powerful tools for kind people to use is that of gratefulness. Be grateful for even the tiniest things, like a roof over your head and hot running water. But take it even further: be thankful for that person being in your life. See it as a learning experience, a test that you are going to pass. We are constantly tested during our lifetimes, and if we don’t pass the test this time, we will be tested in a similar way again . . . and again . . . until we finally pass.
- Look past the heartbreak. Heartbreak hurts. It can literally take our lives away from us if we let it. If we stand up strong and put it in perspective, we can not only move past it but also benefit from it. Once we have gone through it, we can help others get through theirs.
- Decide how much it matters. Again, the manipulators want you to be obsessed with them. They want you to be so overcome by their negativity that you can’t think of anything else. They are life-stealers. Stand up for your life. Stay on the road you have built through your lessons, relationships, and accomplishments. In the end, these are what matter.
- Stick to the truth. In every situation involving a manipulator, they pervert the truth. They make you the villain. They try to convince others that you are the problem, when in fact, you have striven all along to be the solution. That is the truth; honor the truth in your own mind. Gather facts, and state them plainly.
- Let it go past. They want their arrows to hit home, to put you off balance, to make you question yourself and your intentions. When they fire another barb, let it go past. My favorite phrase for this, when the arrow comes flying, is to step to the side and say, “That’s interesting. What can I learn from this, and what am I going to do about it?”
- Live in your life, not theirs. Again, these manipulators are life-stealers. Each of us has a purpose implanted in our hearts. It’s a job that we know we must carry out. This is what matters. This is your unique contribution to the world, your contribution to making the world a better place. Anything that distracts you from your mission will mean you have less time—and energy—to carry it out.
- Overall, good wins out in the end. We live in an age where negativity is all around us, trying to take over our minds and hearts. But overall the world is a positive place. We couldn’t even drive down the freeway successfully if the world was as negative as it appears on our screens.
You don’t have to be a victim of these abusers. They can’t get to you if they can’t get to you. It’s as simple as that.