I have a very dear friend who is intelligent, has a great sense of humor, and is one of the most balanced and wise humans I know. But even she has trouble living in the present, which means that she is often stressed about the past, and, even more often, the future.
Now, in her case, her father, whom she was very close to, died when she was a young child. This was blindsiding, with a capital B. This led her to be independent and proficient, which also meant that her happiest place was one where she felt in control.
I can relate; my parents divorced when I was a month old, and I took the same path in order to make sure that I could depend on at least one person in my life (me).
The problem is that we are not in control of everything in our lives. The future holds many surprises for us. And the past cannot be changed. (You can apologize if you have blown it—always a good idea, when you know you should. The sooner the better.)
Worries about the future can haunt us day and night, causing physical and emotional stress, and diminishing our productivity and happiness. It simply doesn’t pay to “live” in the future.
So what’s the answer? I was praying about this recently, asking what I could do to help my friend, and #1 was the answer I got. The other two come from personal experience; adopting those two methods helped me to start living in the moment.
Method #1: Staying in the middle of the spectrum
There is a spectrum, with scarcity at one end, and gluttony at the other.
We know that scarcity is bad for us; we do everything we can to avoid it.
We also know that gluttony is bad, but we are much less successful in avoiding “overdoing it.” That piece of cake calls to us like a wounded animal in the forest, and we feel we must respond, even though we know that when we get on the scale in the morning, we will be sorry.
In the middle of this spectrum is a very interesting word: Sufficiency.
It has so many wonderful characteristics.
- It means “I am sufficient.” We often worry about our ability to do certain things, which is definitely future thinking. But when you remind yourself that, when are ARE faced with something you need to do, if you ARE living in the present, you will be able to do a good job. We are all given jobs we were meant to carry out, and our natural and learned abilities—and our desire to do well—will result in a successful outcome.
- It means “I am (or this is) enough.” When you want so badly to do things right, and worry that you won’t, we’re not thinking about being sufficient. We are in a scarcity mindset, which is based on fear. Fear is really only helpful when you suddenly need to run from something terrible, but becomes really destructive if it becomes a way-of-life mindset. It causes you to make bad decisions, and to do things you will later regret. When you have eaten all you should eat, and it’s time to stop, “This is sufficient/enough” is a very useful tool.
- It means that we have done what we should do, and it really is OK. If you do your best, and with your full attention, the result will be sufficient for others as well. You don’t have to overdo it because you’ve done enough. So much stress is caused by the fear that your best won’t be enough. But it WILL if you are living in the present.
- It means that you don’t need to feel guilty. Guilt is ridiculously common these days. Especially the most productive people always feel guilty that they are not doing enough. Guilt is as damaging as fear to your emotional and physical health. Of course, if you really have done something wrong that you feel guilty about, you do need to set out to rectify it. Go clean, tell the truth, apologize, and find a way to make up for it. Being truthful at all times is cleansing and builds confidence in your own good character. But if you are feeling guilty simply because you feel insufficient, you’re getting yourself all riled up for nothing.
Over time, you will come to trust that you and what you’re doing are sufficient, and you will no longer be carrying that fear of the future. You will be comfortable in your own skin, here and now.
Method #2: Thankfulness.
When we are worried or struggling with some issue related to a relationship, the hamster wheel runs in our heads non-stop. No matter what we’re doing, one part of our brain—often a very large part—is completely dominated by a problem that we can’t figure out how to solve.
We think of what we could or should say, and we replay conversations back to ourselves over and over. Note that in doing so, we are living in the future and the past. We are paying very little attention to what we’re doing.
This is stress-producing, but it’s also dangerous. Cutting vegetables while we’re playing those past and future movies can lead us to cut ourselves. Or will make us forget to do something we should be doing.
There is a way to break this habit; I’ve done it myself, and haven’t been plagued with it since. You simply start focusing on what you ARE doing and start being thankful for the silliest little things.
When you’re washing the dishes, you are suddenly thankful for the warm running water out of a tap (you didn’t have to go get it out of a river two miles away and heat it with a fire!). You are thankful that all of your fingers work. You are thankful for the little tools that make the job easier, such as a sponge or brush.
You get the point.
Doing this puts you firmly in the present, and your wonderfully elastic brain starts to set up new patterns and connections to strengthen this way of thinking. One day—sooner than you might think—you will be able to recognize that hamster wheel spinning in your head, and will be able to immediately switch over to thankful mode.
My husband was a great believer in the “walking away” method. When he was struggling with something he was building in his stop, he would stop, put his tools down, and walk away, in order to let his subconscious work on the problem without conscious, controlling interference.
Sometimes he’d be struck with the solution before he even got all the way up the stairs from the shop. Or he’d get the answer when he first woke up the next morning.
Switching to thankful mode gets you off that terrible hamster wheel and thinking about something completely different, something that makes you happy. You are literally walking away from that problem and walking into your present life.
Method #3: I am.
Sure, the world and the airwaves are filled with wars, poverty, sickness, death, evil . . . but right now, this minute, you ARE. Or, in your own words, “I am.”
I am in a comfortable house, with heat or AC on. I am a nice person who tries to do the right thing. I am good at certain things, and trying to learn new things. I am working on my relationships and my job. I am able to do things I enjoy. I am a worthwhile human being and I don’t need to compare myself to others. I am who I am, and I am satisfied with who I am at this moment.
These are the kinds of thoughts that get you out of “fight or flight” mode. These are the thoughts that tell your body and your nervous system that you are doing well, and there is very little to worry about.
Pick one.
These new thoughts and actions can be used in different situations. Use the one that works best for you to start with, and after you’ve mastered it, move on to the others to make sure you’ve banished the last bit of unnecessary stress you’re carrying around.
At first, and ironically, you’ll be so calm that it will make you nervous!
Just shift into one of these methods again, and even that will fade away. Life will get easier; realities—and the actions you should take—will be more obvious; and your health will improve.
Definitely worth it.